Anxiety You Fickle Bitch

Hey friends,

It’s been a while!  I disappeared and there’s a good reason behind that.

First and foremost I’d like to wish all a Happy Mother’s Day.  As I sit in my detox bath, drinking wine straight from the bottle and eating Ravioli (living the dream, I know) I realized I had been making light of a serious issue for some time.  Something I’ve been looking to bring to your attention, but not sure how to go about it.  The issue friends, is my diagnosis with Anxiety.  That’s right.  You heard me.  I suffer from Anxiety, and like so many others I am looking to break the stigma surrounding it.

My  diagnosis took a good 10 months.  For 10 months I suffered through things I’d felt my entire life but heightened times 1000.  I thought it was normal to get a big knot in my stomach if I was going to be a little late to an appointment, or go somewhere that I didn’t know anyone.  The feelings I’d felt for my whole life were on Ecstasy…only I didn’t know this.  One, because I’ve never done “E” and two, because I just thought it was normal to feel this way.  Apparently it is not.

At 10 months Post Partum I noticed the bond between me and the baby had not grown..in fact (as horrible as it sounds) I was less fond of her.  My husband, the encouraging man that he is, was just terribly convinced I needed a good sleep.  Deep down I knew better.  So finally 10 months later, after 10 months of being in Survival Mode, I decided that enough was enough.

Let’s talk about what it’s like to ask for help.  It is EXCRUCIATINGLY painful!  Am I right fellow parents?  So like finally admitting I wasn’t okay was a really big deal.  Working up the courage to talk to my doctor was INTENSE.  I almost left her office without saying a word about it.  Strictly out of fear.  Fear that she would think I was overreacting, fear that she would brush me off, fear that she’d just write me a prescription and send me on my way.  Thankfully that was NOT the case.

I nearly left the office without telling her a thing.  We had discussed the girls health, their growth, she told me they were doing great.  I wasn’t though.  It was almost like she could sense it.  But for 10 months I had lied to her…telling her I was okay, just a little tired.  Meanwhile at home I was locking myself in the bathroom to cry.  Heck, I lied to all of you!  I shared my “off” days, but I never truly shared them.  I made it seem easier than it was, but I’m done.  Done lying, done covering it up.

I walked back into her office, I told her what was really going on.  That I was terrified to leave the house with the kids, how I hated getting in the car for fear of getting into an accident.  That being at home had me in knots because my girls are babies and my neighbours hate them so I’m constantly trying to keep them quite (which is bullshit by the way), how as much as I love my husband and he loves me I didn’t feel he was validating my feelings about this.  Friends..he isn’t a jerk, he just has never really had to deal with any mental health issues so he got a little confused.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That I had spilled my “dirty” secret to this complete stranger who delivered my baby.  You know what she did?  She almost cried.  She told me to sit back down and we actively looked for ways to help me.  What did I do?  I took the prescription she gave me.  Am I going to be on it forever?  NO!  She values my want to do things in a more natural way, but for now this is the best option for me (we discussed it thoroughly, and I felt super bad taking up extra time in her day).  She only wants me to take it for a short period of time, and I am actively looking for ways to cut down on Anxiety in my daily life.

The hardest part?  Telling others.  I was TERRIFIED.  They’ll tell me I’m crazy and overreacting.  They’ll think I’m stupid.  The ACTUAL reaction?  Nothing but unconditional love and support.

Friends.  If you’re not feeling right mentally, and you just know deep down inside that something isn’t right, I STRONGLY encourage you to talk to someone.  You’re not alone in this.

Your MLM Business and Why It’s Not For Me.

Friends!  You’re in an MLM making extra money for your family, and that’s AWESOME!  But it’s not for me, and here’s why:

Shortly after our first born came along I got pulled into an MLM business.  I thought “I’m going to KILL IT.”  Then I didn’t.  I wasn’t lazy, I bought the books, I made the relationships, I believed in my products.  What I didn’t account for was my move to a new town, a second pregnancy, and a lack of funds to keep it going.  Not to mention the anxiety of doing parties in person!

While I’m not here to discourage or shame you, while I realize you’re just being a boss babe for your family.  I encourage some of you to JUST BACK OFF with your approach!  I get you feel pressured to make money, I get you want to make “connections.”

Those of you with your generic approaches, who can’t be bothered to change my name in a DM on Instagram, or who make me feel pressured, or make up a lie about how I’ve “shown you so much love” when I don’t even follow you, can KICK ROCKS!

For those of you doing it for the ACTUAL love of it, I thank you.  You know who you are, and for those of you just DOING IT to MAKE A QUICK BUCK, preying on HASHTAGS and women with insecurties, well GET FUCKED!

As a mama with insecurities and anxiety to boot, it’s hard to say no, let alone politely.  When you say I’ll want this someday…maybe I will, but NOT FROM YOU!  But from that mama who gets me, who knows my struggle, who I KNOW isn’t preying on my struggle but can relate to it.

So THINK, think before you approach another PARENT based on HASHTAGS!  THINK!  Think about NOT being upset when they say NO.  You don’t know their circumstances.  Maybe $99.00  means their kids diapers this month.  Maybe they’re not just being frugal and they just don’t have the money to invest.

You just DON’T KNOW!  And IT DOESN’T MATTER!  If they’re interested, they’ll flock and if not JUST LET THEM BE!

 

Signing off,

One pissed off mama who has been approached too inappropriately by one too many mamas who give MLM companies a bad name.

 

 

Sorry I’m Not Sorry

Too often I find myself anxious about out of the house outings, worried about my children having an absolute meltdown in public.  Fearing those glances people shoot my way, you know the ones that cut like knives while you’re trying to get through the grocery store checkout and tame an angry 1.5 year old!  Watching people whisper about me as my 9 month old also starts to squirm.  Things like “She should’ve kept her legs closed” or “She needs to shut those kids up.”  What do I do?  Sheepishly apologize, die of embarrassment and get out of the store as quickly as possible, usually forgetting half of the stuff I needed in the process.  Then finding a way to get through the week without those things because I need time to recover, to put my brave face back on before I have to try again.

Now it’s coming from my own home.  I’ve received a formal complaint that my children are nuisances.  What am I supposed to do?  Tie them up and ball gag them so they can’t make any noise or live freely in our home?  Should I go apologize to the people complaining about them?  No!  I am DONE apologizing!

My babies are babies, sometimes the toddler runs in the house.  I stop her, I remind her we don’t run in the house because it’s dangerous.  Does this make her stop?  No, so we repeat this a thousand times a week.  Sometimes she gets mad because she wants to do/have something that she knows she can’t do/have, so she screams.  Do I let her lay there and tantrum?  No.  I pick her up, tell her that we don’t scream when we don’t get our way, let her know why she can’t have/do whatever it is, tell her I love her and settle her down.  My baby cries, sometimes I can’t make it stop.  I am one mother with 2 babies under the age of 2 doing this gig 24/7 for 21 days a month solo.  I’m doing my damn best.

Before you shoot your dirty looks at mothers in public who are frantically trying to tame their children, or mutter your rude comments just loud enough to hear, stop and think.

These children aren’t doing this to make your day unpleasant, children aren’t malicious.  They’re doing it to express themselves and they’re learning how to express themselves.  Don’t be an asshole, be a good person.  Maybe offer to help this mother out to her car, or buy her flowers.  You don’t know her circumstances or how close to the edge she is.  Don’t push her off, pull her back in.

 

How Connected Are You?

Hey friends!

Lately I’ve been pretty MIA from Social Media.  There are a few reasons for that.  One being I’ve been given this AMAZING opportunity to come with my husband to his job, the other being I am trying to be more in tune with not only myself, but with my family.

Here’s the thing, I’ve had numerous people tell me that I’m brave, or say they don’t know how I do it.  “That” being live out of a hotel room in a strange town with two small children under the age of two.  Well I’ll let you in on my secret.  I’m married to an amazing man who sacrifices so much for our family.  He works away from home so that I can be at home with our babies.  When he sees the opportunity for us to come along there is absolutely no way that I could say no to him.

He is gone for 3 weeks out of a month!  Of course I’m going to say “heck yes” to extra hands at the end of the day.  I wouldn’t stay at home for the comfort, over watching our oldest daughter run to him with her arms up with the BIGGEST smile on her face when he walks through the door at the end of the day.  I wouldn’t want him to miss the moment that Hunter takes her first steps, when Rhys took hers he was on his way home only an hour away.  This man loves me and our children.  It’s a small sacrifice.

We find things to do in a day.  We aren’t stuck to being in a hotel room 24/7!  I have more friends here than I know what to do with.  We go for lunches, we go for play dates, we go shopping..the list could go on.  If I stayed at home I would honestly have less to do.

I knew what I was getting into when I married this man and we decided to start a family.  I grew up with a dad who worked away and it SUCKED!  However, when he was home it was the best.  That being said, my dad didn’t always have the opportunity to take his family with him as he was a long haul truck driver.  There would be the odd occasion where my mom would pull us out of school for a week and we could go, but it’s not the same opportunity my girls have.

I’ve gotten quite off topic.  The topic being “How Connected Are You?”  Friends, I have this amazing support system of people.  I have my husband for starters, and my amazing neighbour.  She knew me through my husband but didn’t really know ME.  At a strata meeting one night she reached out to me and invited me to a mommy and me play cafe at the Church.  I’m quite introverted so at first I REALLY didn’t want to go, but she invited me and I felt honoured and I went.  This broke me out of my shell and I continued going.

I’ve also met a crazy amount of supportive women through Instagram.  I felt reaching out to them through Social Media might be weird but I just Direct Messaged them and started talking.  They responded.  Friendships and connections have been built since then.  They are my tribe and I love them dearly.  I am so thankful for these women who come to me with their daily woes and let me rant and we just understand each other.

I’m getting long winded here, so what I want to say is that you’re not alone out there.  GO, build your tribe!  Whether it be on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or real human connections, don’t be a martyr.  You’re not alone.  Face motherhood with a friend who is also in the trenches with you.  TALK to your husband, fiance, boyfriend, partner.  They are there to support you and they will, no matter what!  Even at my MOST CRAZY Nick will still tell me that I’m beautiful and he loves me and that there’s nothing I can’t do.  Everyone needs a Nick.  If you don’t have a Nick, I will be YOUR Nick!

Are You Okay?

You guys, I write this post to you while I sit on the bathroom floor of my hotel room drinking a glass of wine.  What I want to know mamas is “Are you okay?”  A question we are frequently asked, but never answer with the full truth.

Want to know a secret?  I AM NOT OKAY!  Guess what!  The majority of us aren’t.  Post Partum Depression is a REAL thing.  Am I experiencing it?  After over 6 months, I think it’s safe to say yes.

I became a mother of 2 half a year ago.  It was all so much better than my first experience. I got to see and hold her right away.  In recovery she was there within 20 minutes, then we all went off to the room together, but I didn’t like her.  I loved her, but I didn’t like her.

IMG_4544.JPGWe took her home…but I didn’t like her.  I loved her, but I didn’t like her.

I knew having my second wouldn’t be like having my first.  I loved her, but I didn’t like her.

No one told me I would feel this way.  Even my sweet husband who thinks the world of me, who thinks I can move mountains, who watched me love our first daughter, who thinks I could DO NO WRONG.  Bless him!

I love her, but I don’t like her.  She is EVERYTHING we wanted  A perfect, sweet, chubby little human, with rolls and a gentle nature.  I love her, but I don’t like her.

I was caught off guard by this human who needed me in ways I didn’t want to be there for.  What is sleep precious?  Oh, I don’t know!  I lived pregnancy for what seems like 2 years straight.  When the toddler needs me, it seems like you need me too.  Am I a bad mom, NO!  Is post partum depression real?  FUCK YES!  I am living it, and it is GRUELLING!  I want NO MOM to be left in the dark!  Come to me, talk to me, cry with me.  ROAR WITH ME!  Sister I am here with you.  When it seems like no one else hears you, or is listening to you I AM!  Let me be there with you through your triumphs and UPLIFT you through your downfalls!  I LOVE my husband who downplays my downfalls, BUT THEY ARE A FICKLE BITCH!  SISTER I am here with you.  Roar like the goddess you are.  Let me help you through your worst fears and darkest days.  Sisterhood, united we stand.

 

#thankyou

From a young age we are taught to say “please” and “thank you.”  This is ingrained into us, but somewhere along the way we start to get comfortable and our manners fall to the wayside.

Last night I was talking to Nick before bed and I thanked him for being my husband, then it hit me.  I do NOT say the words “thank you” to him often enough.  Why is this?  I always just assume it goes without saying that he knows I am thankful for him and the things he does for me and our family.  Does that excuse me from minding my manners?  Absolutely not.  Would you not thank your Barista for making your coffee because you just assume they know you’re thankful?  Hopefully not!

We need to take the time to start treating our loved ones and friends the way we treat strangers.  It is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind, get stuck in your routine and just assume things go without saying.  It is also SO easy to take a second to thank the people who helped to get you where you are, and who are continuously supporting you along the way.

Even if your husband is 1,000 kilometers away and unable to physically help you through the day, thank him for listening to you.  Thank your children for being yours.  Thank your parents for everything they did for you growing up.  Go, do it now!  Say thank you to someone you love today.  Do it unexpectedly.  Brighten their day.

 

 

Finding the Happy in “See You Later”

Every 21 days, something magical happens.  A stud of a man steps off of a plane and walks through my front door with a bottle of something good.  We pour a drink, sit out on the deck and we talk.  We talk about where we have been in life, where we are now and where we want to be.  Then, in the blink of an eye 7 days pass and we are saying “See You Later” at the airport.

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When he leaves, it hits me like a pillow case filled with bars of soap.  The sadness can feel overwhelming.  I sit and remind myself that there is happiness in everything, you just have to look for it.  In searching, here is what I have found.

We aren’t saying “Goodbye Forever.”  In 21 days he will get back on a plane home and it will be 7 days of complete bliss.  We are doing this so I can be home with our girls.  We are doing this right now while we are still young.  In 5 years time we can ACTUALLY be where we want to be in life, both parents home every night, family dinners and every weekend spent together.

When you’re upset it is so easy to dwell in that feeling.  Always remember there is good or happiness in every situation if you just seek it out.