Anxiety You Fickle Bitch

Hey friends,

It’s been a while!  I disappeared and there’s a good reason behind that.

First and foremost I’d like to wish all a Happy Mother’s Day.  As I sit in my detox bath, drinking wine straight from the bottle and eating Ravioli (living the dream, I know) I realized I had been making light of a serious issue for some time.  Something I’ve been looking to bring to your attention, but not sure how to go about it.  The issue friends, is my diagnosis with Anxiety.  That’s right.  You heard me.  I suffer from Anxiety, and like so many others I am looking to break the stigma surrounding it.

My  diagnosis took a good 10 months.  For 10 months I suffered through things I’d felt my entire life but heightened times 1000.  I thought it was normal to get a big knot in my stomach if I was going to be a little late to an appointment, or go somewhere that I didn’t know anyone.  The feelings I’d felt for my whole life were on Ecstasy…only I didn’t know this.  One, because I’ve never done “E” and two, because I just thought it was normal to feel this way.  Apparently it is not.

At 10 months Post Partum I noticed the bond between me and the baby had not grown..in fact (as horrible as it sounds) I was less fond of her.  My husband, the encouraging man that he is, was just terribly convinced I needed a good sleep.  Deep down I knew better.  So finally 10 months later, after 10 months of being in Survival Mode, I decided that enough was enough.

Let’s talk about what it’s like to ask for help.  It is EXCRUCIATINGLY painful!  Am I right fellow parents?  So like finally admitting I wasn’t okay was a really big deal.  Working up the courage to talk to my doctor was INTENSE.  I almost left her office without saying a word about it.  Strictly out of fear.  Fear that she would think I was overreacting, fear that she would brush me off, fear that she’d just write me a prescription and send me on my way.  Thankfully that was NOT the case.

I nearly left the office without telling her a thing.  We had discussed the girls health, their growth, she told me they were doing great.  I wasn’t though.  It was almost like she could sense it.  But for 10 months I had lied to her…telling her I was okay, just a little tired.  Meanwhile at home I was locking myself in the bathroom to cry.  Heck, I lied to all of you!  I shared my “off” days, but I never truly shared them.  I made it seem easier than it was, but I’m done.  Done lying, done covering it up.

I walked back into her office, I told her what was really going on.  That I was terrified to leave the house with the kids, how I hated getting in the car for fear of getting into an accident.  That being at home had me in knots because my girls are babies and my neighbours hate them so I’m constantly trying to keep them quite (which is bullshit by the way), how as much as I love my husband and he loves me I didn’t feel he was validating my feelings about this.  Friends..he isn’t a jerk, he just has never really had to deal with any mental health issues so he got a little confused.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That I had spilled my “dirty” secret to this complete stranger who delivered my baby.  You know what she did?  She almost cried.  She told me to sit back down and we actively looked for ways to help me.  What did I do?  I took the prescription she gave me.  Am I going to be on it forever?  NO!  She values my want to do things in a more natural way, but for now this is the best option for me (we discussed it thoroughly, and I felt super bad taking up extra time in her day).  She only wants me to take it for a short period of time, and I am actively looking for ways to cut down on Anxiety in my daily life.

The hardest part?  Telling others.  I was TERRIFIED.  They’ll tell me I’m crazy and overreacting.  They’ll think I’m stupid.  The ACTUAL reaction?  Nothing but unconditional love and support.

Friends.  If you’re not feeling right mentally, and you just know deep down inside that something isn’t right, I STRONGLY encourage you to talk to someone.  You’re not alone in this.

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