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Are You Okay?

You guys, I write this post to you while I sit on the bathroom floor of my hotel room drinking a glass of wine.  What I want to know mamas is “Are you okay?”  A question we are frequently asked, but never answer with the full truth.

Want to know a secret?  I AM NOT OKAY!  Guess what!  The majority of us aren’t.  Post Partum Depression is a REAL thing.  Am I experiencing it?  After over 6 months, I think it’s safe to say yes.

I became a mother of 2 half a year ago.  It was all so much better than my first experience. I got to see and hold her right away.  In recovery she was there within 20 minutes, then we all went off to the room together, but I didn’t like her.  I loved her, but I didn’t like her.

IMG_4544.JPGWe took her home…but I didn’t like her.  I loved her, but I didn’t like her.

I knew having my second wouldn’t be like having my first.  I loved her, but I didn’t like her.

No one told me I would feel this way.  Even my sweet husband who thinks the world of me, who thinks I can move mountains, who watched me love our first daughter, who thinks I could DO NO WRONG.  Bless him!

I love her, but I don’t like her.  She is EVERYTHING we wanted  A perfect, sweet, chubby little human, with rolls and a gentle nature.  I love her, but I don’t like her.

I was caught off guard by this human who needed me in ways I didn’t want to be there for.  What is sleep precious?  Oh, I don’t know!  I lived pregnancy for what seems like 2 years straight.  When the toddler needs me, it seems like you need me too.  Am I a bad mom, NO!  Is post partum depression real?  FUCK YES!  I am living it, and it is GRUELLING!  I want NO MOM to be left in the dark!  Come to me, talk to me, cry with me.  ROAR WITH ME!  Sister I am here with you.  When it seems like no one else hears you, or is listening to you I AM!  Let me be there with you through your triumphs and UPLIFT you through your downfalls!  I LOVE my husband who downplays my downfalls, BUT THEY ARE A FICKLE BITCH!  SISTER I am here with you.  Roar like the goddess you are.  Let me help you through your worst fears and darkest days.  Sisterhood, united we stand.

 

5 thoughts on “Are You Okay?”

  1. Well said and straight from the heart. I hope one day soon you learn to not only Love her…but Like her too.
    Always remember,going from 1 to 2 kids is the hardest leap of all…so just know this is a phase and it will pass.
    Keep shining that light on a very serious topic and know that YOU are also not alone.

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  2. Lindsay, I have SO been there. I felt the same way about my second baby, too. It was the strangest feeling and the immense guilt I felt for feeling that way was overwhelming. I told my mom that I loved my son because he was mine, but I did not LOVE him. I think she may have understood (or was too much in shock from what she just heard) & just told me it would come. And it did! It took a little time, but I overcame. PPD was so hard and in hindsight I wish I would’ve talked about it/seeked some help sooner but it’s tough when you’re in the thick of 2 under 2. Hang in there, mama! And know I’m totally here to chat if you need it.

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